Judgement and Discernment

The other day, I found myself explaining my views on the difference between judgement and discernment. AGAIN. A very beautiful and sincere person asked me how one can choose without being in judgement. Over the years, I bet I’ve been asked variations of this question hundreds of times. Here’s my easy answer:

Judgement is about others.

Discernment is about you.

Good-hearted people have caused themselves much unnecessary pain because they sincerely do not want to "judge." Most spiritual people are acquainted with some version of "judge not, lest ye be judged." In the Christian Bible, Jesus teaches his followers the importance of not trying to take a speck of sawdust out of our brother’s eye, when our own eye contains a log. We are told not to judge another’s servant. Indigenous wisdom from North America, Tibet, Australia and Africa teaches us that we cannot possibly know what is in another’s heart until we have walked in their moccasins, prayed in their dwelling, hiked their trail or carried their burden basket. Most spiritual teachings tell us to LOVE, not judge. The simple street wisdom of "what goes around, comes around" gives us obvious reason and motivation to refrain from judging others.

Yet, spiritual traditions of many cultures also teach us to be discerning. Jesus is quoted as teaching that spiritual people should be "as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves." The dictionary defines discernment as the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure; skill to detect with senses other than vision; to see or understand the difference. Discernment is wisdom applied to your own life. It is using the God given power of intuition and choice to create more joy and peace in our lives.

For the sake of illustration, here is a typical scenario from the life of many a confused lightworker:

Sammy Sunshine meets Goober Gloomhead. Sammy feels uncomfortable around Goober. Goober’s mean-spirited words and manner are repulsive to Sammy."Goober is a jerk," Sammy thinks silently. This is followed immediately with another thought, "OH NO! I’m judging. Judging is BAD. Judging is WRONG. I am bad. I am wrong. I must love Goober." There is some truth here. But this is where things often get twisted. Sammy’s guilt over judging Goober, causes Sammy to try to "help" Goober become a better person and / or to spend more time around Goober in order to overcome Sammy’s bad habit of judging.

So Sammy spends time with Goober, trying to love, trying to help. All of this is based on the belief that there is something "wrong" with Goober and that there is definitely something wrong with Sammy for not wanting to be around Goober. Hours, days, weeks, months, sometimes years (!) pass with Sammy trying to "fix" Goober, trying to want to be around Goober, and secretly resenting Goober. Goober meanwhile is feeling unaccepted and unloved by Sammy’s "loving" gestures – and rightly so. The energetic message being sent is "You need to change." Eventually Goober will tell Sammy to shove off, or Sammy will become exhausted and they will finally part company.

If you look at this scenario from a higher perspective, it is easy to see that Sammy’s sincere attempt to judge not led to a much more grievous judgement of self and of Goober. Sammy also dishonored both self and Goober. When we take it upon ourselves to try to "fix" someone without their consent, we deny their right to be whomever they choose to be. When we ignore our intuition (the voice of spirit within) and repress our instincts, we violate the inner guidance system given to us by the Creator.

What if every being you encounter is a co-creator choosing to experiment with the freewill power of choice? Why should you have a right to decide what is right for them? However, you definitely do have a right and a responsibility to decide what is right for you! So in our illustration above, if Sammy paid attention to intuition and genuinely chose Love (which is honoring), Sammy would have blessed Goober and walked away immediately, saving them both countless hours of anger and frustration.

[Please note: I am not advocating relinquishing your responsibilities to others who have genuinely asked for your help or been entrusted into your care. Nor am I encouraging you to act hastily from your ego or emotions. Probably every parent has had moments when they looked at their child and thought, "This isn’t working for me." But that is usually a momentary situation, and walking away forever is rarely a loving option. (Although, when you are not willing to be loving in the moment, it’s probably a good idea to take a little break from your children.) I am talking here about adult relationships and situations; about being aware of who and what energies you are welcoming into your life.]

Honoring another’s free will does not mean that you deny your own free will, dishonor yourself or become a doormat. Loving another does not mean that you use them to abuse yourself. Nor does "loving" another mean that you have a right to inflict your idea of who or how they should be upon them.

Love is honoring and expansive. Judgement dishonors and constricts. Discernment offers freedom, honor and options. Discernment is loving. Judgement is about others. ("That’s wrong." "You’re bad.") Discernment is about You. ("That’s not for me.") Discernment is about choosing what kind of life you want for yourself.

You have a right and a responsibility to choose what is appropriate for you. Using other people and situations to harm or constrict yourself is not loving to others, to yourself, or to the Source of All Life who gave you the freedom to choose and the wisdom to choose wisely. When you find yourself in a confusing situation and you are trying not to be judgemental, ask yourself some discernment questions, such as:

Which path feels the most expansive?

What qualities would I like more of in my life?

Do I love this person as they are, or do I secretly want to change them?

Am I honoring myself? Am I honoring others? Am I honoring the Source?

Is this peaceful?

What would bring me joy right now?

What would bring this other person joy?

{Just for fun, here are Sammy Sunshine’s answers to the above questions:
walking away
love, joy, peace, laughter.
I want to change Goober Gloomhead.
No. No. No.
No.
I would like to walk away.
Goober would like me to go away. (Remember, the underlying truth of a situation is usually the same for both people.) }

Discernment is a spiritual gift. It is an inner compass to help guide us on our path. It is loving and honoring to all. Please do not be tricked into relinquishing this very precious, powerful and time-saving gift. Your ego’s pseudo-spiritual pride may try to make ignoring this gift seem like a virtue ("Look at me! See what a martyr I am!"). Others may try to manipulate your emotions ("You’re being judgemental.") to keep you locked in a karmic holding pattern.

Be brave. Be aware. Be free. Be loving. Use the gift of discernment to choose what is right for you, and allow others the same freedom.

el 17 Jan 2003