The following was written in response to a request for input on pregnancy, childbearing and parenting.

Here are some things I would suggest:

Before you get pregnant:

Physically - prepare the body with consistent healthy nutrition, lots of time in Nature, and physical exercise.

Emotionally - Heal yourself, heal your past. End genetic generational cycles of addictions, abuse, manipulations, etc. before you bring a child in. Be clear that if you choose to be a parent, the next 18 years of your life are going to be about someone else. Know yourself. If you haven't yet matured enough to take on the responsibility of parenthood, be honest with yourself, and wait. (Too many mothers think that the pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing is all about them.)

Mentally - Learn what you're getting yourself into. A child is not a puppy that will love you unconditionally and whom you can put outside when you don't want to deal with him / her.
Babysit. Babysit a lot. Taking care of other people's children will not prepare you for the 24 / 7 demands of motherhood, but it will help you be a little less clueless.

Read. Bookstores and Libraries have many good books about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting.

Financially - It costs money to have a child. And it takes a lot more money to raise a child. The statistical odds are that at some time in the future you may well be a single mother. How will you support yourself and your child?

Spiritually - Parenthood is an honor. You will be care taking and helping to teach and nurture another eternal being. It is as if the Universe is loaning you a precious piece of God. To do your best as a parent, you will need to strengthen your spiritual connection so that you are able to receive clear guidance and flow unconditional love and teach true wisdom. If you don't already have a daily spiritual practice, now is the time to start.


Getting pregnant:

A physical body is a temporary house for an eternal spirit. I have worked with many women who had difficulty getting pregnant. In many cases, they had tried several inconvenient and uncomfortable medical procedures to achieve pregnancy without success. The medical emphasis is about joining a physical sperm and a physical egg to create a physical body.

Often, when we moved the emphasis off the physical to the spiritual, the women were able to conceive.

Here's what I recommend:

First make sure you are truly ready for the huge responsibility of motherhood. (see above) If you honestly feel you are ready and that it is part of your life's path for this incarnation, then begin to connect with the spirit of the being who will become your child. Be aware that this is not a "baby," but an eternal powerful spirit being who is ready for a human incarnation. Simply tell this non-physical person, that you are ready and willing now to be her / his mother. Over time (remember, DAILY meditation) you will begin to develop a relationship. Often times, the being coming in wants the mother to make some specific changes in diet, lifestyle and emotions before using the mother's body as a womb. Make the changes, and voila.

Women who were previously unable to conceive, have become pregnant by following those simple steps.

Making pregnancy and childbirth easier:

The first and most important step, in my opinion, is to realize that pregnancy and birth are natural normal biological processes. A pregnant woman does not have a medical "condition" that requires a medical "procedure" to fix some sort of perceived problem. She is pregnant. The baby will grow inside her and then it will want to emerge and live outside of her body. Natural. Normal.

In general, women who are around the natural processes of animals have a much more relaxed approach to pregnancy and childbirth than city women. For this reason, I think all pregnant women should witness as many animal births as they can. Watching an animal give birth is helpful. Animals do not have the trauma drama conditioning that most humans have adopted.

Secondly - Strengthen the connection between mother, child, father (if he's part of the picture), and the Universe. If the mother and baby have a strong relationship, based in Divine Love, they will be able to communicate more easily back and forth. The spirit of the baby can help the mother meet the needs of the developing fetus by guiding her to specific foods, exercises, meditation practices, etc.

Third - Learn self-hypnosis. I made a childbirth tape for all my pregnant ladies and had them start listening to it several times a week beginning somewhere in the 7th month. In it, I suggested to them that contractions are like ocean waves, each one bringing their child closer to their arms. The tape gave them techniques to dissociate with any uncomfortable feelings and simply relax and let their body and the baby's body perfectly perform their natural functions as the spirits of mother and baby direct the process. Many good experiences and relatively easy births were reported.

Fourth - childbirth is a sacred event. Do it your way, in sacredness. Candles, sacred music, prayers, artwork, water, bellydancers ... whatever works for you, personally. Having access to medical facilities makes most moms feel more at ease and provides quick response in case there is an emergency. That said, childbirth itself is not an emergency. If you have your baby in the hospital, have an advocate present. This is someone who is not a birth coach, and probably not a relative. It is the advocate's job to clearly and calmly communicate the mother's wishes to the staff, maintain the atmosphere the mother desires in the birthing room, and basically hold the vibe of sacredness. The advocate acts as a sort of spiritual bouncer, keeping well-meaning but crazy people from bothering mom and baby as they're going through the birthing process. If the mom communicates her wishes ahead of time to her relatives and friends, and in writing to both her OB and the staff of the hospital, things will go much more smoothly. They may not like what you are doing, but if they know what to expect ahead of time, they will probably respect your wishes. We tell people that we are doing things a certain way "for religious reasons." Respect the hospital staff. Realize that they want to help you. Also realize that you are upsetting their "normal" routine. Again, clear respectful communication in advance can make things go much more smoothly.

If mom has established communication with the spirit of the baby from the beginning of the pregnancy, they will be on good terms when it's time for the birth. This is the time for mom to coach the baby into the world. I have witnessed several occasions where mom or mom and I together were able to alleviate a potential problem simply by talking to the baby and running energy during the birth process. Babies can turn in the womb, and make other adjustments to help themselves emerge.The baby can be soothed and calmed and told what's going on through every step of the delivery.
In one case, I witnessed a mother tell the unborn child something like this: "Look kid. If you don't come out on your own in the next 5 minutes, that doctor plans to pull you out by the head with steel forceps. I don't want that to happen. I don't think you want that to happen. But that's what they plan to do. I need your help here." A nurse went to get the crash cart with the forceps, and by the time she got back, Baby's head was emerging.


Parenting:

Remember that your child is not your possession. This is an eternal spirit being who has chosen you as a mother. Your job is to guide this person to strengthen their own connection to the Divine, learn to listen clearly to their own heart, and learn to walk on the Earth in a way that blesses themselves and all other living beings. What you have is a diamond in the rough. It will be your task to evoke the brilliant light inside to come out and shine.

That said, you are the mom. Children have ego issues. You have ego issues. If you want your child to be happy and loved and do well in life, you're going to have to get your ego out of the way and get real. Establish some age appropriate healthy boundaries and stick to them. Do not tolerate behavior which is disrespectful to self or others. Allowing your child to be rude and insensitive does not serve them. Children are aware of energy. They know when people don't want them around. And if you reward (with bribes) or even tolerate screaming, whining, yelling, or any type of violent behavior, there will be a lot of people who don't want your child around.
When you correct, correct the behavior, don't criticize the person. Be loving, and consistent. Explain, but don't ramble on or lecture or expect a 5-year-old to listen to a doctoral discertation on your philosophy of life. Brief and honest answers work best. Be consistent, and be tuned in enough that you can handle having your child be angry at you. Just give the kid healthy guidelines on how we can express anger without causing harm.

Turn off the TV and get out the crayons, clay, drum, harmonica, books, whatever. Cook with your child. Plant a garden. Encourage creativity, not passivity.

Talk with your child, not at them. Listen. Ask questions.

Catch your child being good. Praise, but don't be phony. Don't overdo it on the praise. Over-praising, gushing over the mediocre or mundane, undermines a child's self confidence almost as badly as criticism.

And here's the kicker: no matter how clearly and eloquently you may speak to him / her - your child will learn mostly by observing you.
In other words, walk your talk.

Pregnancy, childbirth and parenting are like all else we do in this incarnation, in that everything flows more smoothly when we as individuals are in tune with the Divine Flow of Life, which I believe is Love. From that calm and connected place, we can then more easily access wisdom and more lovingly connect with the higher self of a child, in the womb, or out.

Blessings and Peace,

Eileen Lighthawk


April 2004